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Beth and Garret- Scifi Promptcast Story

Hello again friends! Below is a story for this week’s Scifi Promptcast episode(video below)! Be sure to let me know anything you think about my story especially its faults! How else can I grow as a writer if I don’t get helpful criticism?

“Beth. Breathe. Okay? Look into my eyes- that’s it breathe. Just breathe.”

The dizziness receded as Beth slowed down. Slower, and slower, until Garret let her go and turned towards the undulating white mass on the ground.

“Wha- What the hell is that thing?”

“I don’t know. But I don’t think it’s going to hurt us.”

“L- let’s just get out of here Garret.”

“Just, wait I wanna…” He picked up a stick, “See something.”

He moved towards the mass of white and pink with slow cautious steps. When he was close enough, he pushed the tip of the stick underneath it and pulled. What he saw was a reddish pink lined with sulfuric spokes, and something blue deep under there just out of reach. It twitched, and he jumped.

He backed away and turned back to Beth.

“Can we go now?”

He grabbed her by the arm and pulled her from the thing.

“I don’t really think it’s a danger but it scares the crap outta me.” He said, “So sit in the truck. There’s something under it that I need to get a second look at.”

“You can’t just leave me in here!”

“Relax, here’s the key, lock the door and drive off if anyone but me comes back.”

He walked off back towards the mass of white, but when he arrived it was missing. He was sure he had retraced his steps into the brush just the same, and there were no tracks out from where he left it.

Then there was a sound, and Garret looked up to the bright blue hidden in the pink.

Beth woke in the F-150 to Garret thumping a lazy fist against the window. The whites of his eyes had turned a pale yellow, and his smile contorted his lips into open flesh.

“G-Garret?”

He thumped his lazy fist on the window one more time, and then opened his mouth- held it there- and closed it back up again. Beth unlocked the door and he hopped in. When he was seated he turned and looked at her. His yellow eyes and flesh grin made her shudder. He pointed to the windshield, opened his mouth, and screeched so loud that she slammed her hands into her ears.

She rammed her shoulder into the door as she pulled its handle. She fell out of the truck hard onto her back, and as she fumbled to get up Garret’s hand pulled his head over the seat. She saw him clearer now, a pale white over pink, and where brown eyes caught her trance, something blue sat on sulfuric bulbs and watched her struggle for her life.

Now that you’ve done the prompt yourself, feel free to edit it and send post a link to it in the comments for critiquing! I will gladly read aloud the stories that are linked below in the Friday videos and do a quick critique of your work. Hope you found the creatures fun! Keep writing, my friends!

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6 Comments

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Would – – – “Can we go now?” work better using “Can we go now?” – Beth screeched.
I think it might increase the sense of fear.

Certainly a good choice! I might opt for whimpered, maybe?

See I wasn’t sure, when I wrote this, what would go best there so I just left it up to the wind. Definitely pulls the suspense back a bit which is not good!

Thanks for the feedback!

Ewwww that…. creature. It certainly gave me the creeps, not something I would hang around to see the ‘blue’ part. Something I was curious about was its size. Like, how big a pile of disgustingness was this?
Great story, but I’ll leave these sci fi creatures for you to conjure up!!

Happy everything Alexander.

You know, I’m not sure how big it is either! I assume about the size of Garret- but leaving the size out could have been a weak move for sure!

Haha maybe I should have postponed this story until October for the spooky season!

A disgusting and horrific story, but I like it all the same. The only thing I notified is that Garret doesn’t specifically has a tone. Is he scared? Quiet? Crazily interested? Bc after eavh quote of his there’s only the punctuation to perhaps tell us what exactly Garret was thinking. That’s all!

Yes! This is perhaps a flaw of my writing style: I tend to leave the quotes as they are for the reader to decide. If done right, the reader gets the impression of the character that I had.

That said Garret is certainly not a fleshed out character. We barely enter his mind and we can only get what he thinks from what he says and does.
This is an example of bad writing because Garret seems dry and empty. And it’s likely that the reader won’t care that Garret died at all!

Tell me what you think!

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