He looked at the screen and smiled. Fame here I come, he thought, rubbing his hands together. He pressed enter, and waited.
He was sure of it, sure this post- “If Trump wants to make America great again he should bring back 90s cartoons”- would break the internet. The world would see him for the wonderful creative mind he was. He waited.
As he waited he scrolled. He thought for a minute, maybe he should like other statuses. That way people would know to like his. He scrolled down. Cute cats? Liked. Butts? Liked. “Just ate a sammich and found my grandma’s toenail” Laughing faced. Chris Crocker crying? Loved.
There was a ding. His Pavlovian mind exploded, he darted his eyes to find, Tom Davis also commented on NazisRcool’s status: “I think trans people should have their genitals removed to make sure they don’t have kids.” He looked at that for a moment, fuming. He wanted to punch that guy Davis in the face. He went to the post, and commented “U R A RASCIST BURN IN HeLL YOU NAZI SCUM.” and then blocked him for being a racist.
He scrolled some more. Checked his notifications. Nothing. He scrolled and found pictures of old friends. They had beautiful women hugging them. He wished he had a beautiful woman. His cousin was in Russia. That girl he kissed at a party in third grade was backpacking through Africa. All of the kids that took theater in college had a thousand likes on photos of their faces. Everyone was cool but him.
He wanted to clear his mind. He told himself to relax because of how many people were going to like his status and make him famous. So he went to pornhaus. He flipped through video after video, unable to get what he wanted out of the hundreds of almost identical genitals doing almost identical things before him. In a fit of self-loathing, he cleaned himself up.
He went back to friendbook. Five new notifications! His heart beat hard against his chest. it was happening! Finally! He clicked it. Seven people commented on your video. Twelve people reacted to your video. Michael Thomas liked your status.
He didn’t remember sharing a video, but he clicked his status. He looked long at that beautiful like, that one thing that made him feel whole. He smiled again. He thought, you know what, I’ll wait, it’s gonna grow. He got up, put on a coat, and walked outside happy that the world cared about his existence. For now, he was completely unaware that his grandmother, his best friend, his boss and his father just watched him satisfy himself to a foreign cartoon video involving tree monsters and a highschool student on friendbook live.
Yeah, he’d be famous alright.
Let’s just say I’m not the biggest social media fan…
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